Thursday, December 01, 2011

Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Huxtables.

Being a parent of two small kids does strange things to a person.
Your brain doesn't function the way it used to, your mouth doesn't say the things you want it to say, and your body just doesn't co-operate 99% of the time. 

My funny, erudite and intelligent wife seems to be on the receiving end of parenthood's mental ravages on a slightly more frequent basis as of late. Long before I was a parent, I said and did stupid things on a minute-by-minute basis, so it's no big deal when I say something ridiculous.  When my wife makes a gaffe, however, it fuels my laughter for days on end because it's always been a rare occurrence around these parts.

A couple of weeks ago we had some family pictures done. It was repeatedly remarked how grown up and handsome my 3 year old son looked by friends and acquaintances. The phrases "future heart breaker" and "model" were being thrown around, and as a parent whose genetic makeup is responsible for said child, I'd be a liar in saying it doesn't make me feel pretty good.

On our way to an appointment for our youngest, I brought up all the comments that the oldest boy's picture was garnering on Facebook. Our exchange was as follows, with my wife in italics.

"So (the boy) is getting a lot of comments on his photo shoot. Maybe we should get him into modeling! Oooh la la."

"Absolutely not. The last thing we need is another Lisa Bonet"

My mind raced through everything I knew about Bonet and couldn't make the connection that my wife was alluding to. I couldn't possibly figure out what my wife had against one of the Cosby kids.

"Why Lisa Bonet?"

"The little girl who was modeling and in the pageants and stuff... She was murdered."

"Lisa Bonet? (wildly laughing) You mean Jonbenet Ramsay?"

"(somewhat sheepishly) Yeah, close enough."

"Oh, but it isn't close enough. You see, one was a kid who was molested and brutally murdered after being exploited by her mother through beauty pageants and talent shows. The other one played Theo Huxtable's sister. You see where the two aren't even close?"

"Okay, stop. I'm tired."

"If you had said Rudy Huxtable, I could see it - same age range and all. But Denise? The worst she did was marry that guy on the show whose name nobody could remember?"

"Okay, you're beating a dead horse now."

"...And she had that spin-off with Dwayne Wayne."

This grilling went on for about 15 minutes before my wife threatened to push me out of the van on an overpass. Feeling confident that I had milked the joke for all it was worth, I moved on to a non-Cosby kid matter.

Later that night, I looked up Lisa Bonet on Google and found out a few important pieces of info.

1. Her husband's name on The Cosby Show was Martin. That was driving me nuts.
2. She legally changed her name to Lilakoi Moon.
3. She named her kid Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa and got married to the guy who played Conan the Barbarian in that shitty new movie.
4. She was addicted to drugs and alcohol for several years and won't talk to anyone from The Cosby Show.

Maybe my wife wasn't far off target. I certainly don't want any grand kids named Nokia-Wolf something or other or my son marrying someone named Martin.

My wife is a wise woman. She did marry me, after all.

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